Melvin Durai
After the United States and Israel launched their military offensive against Iran, dropping hundreds of bombs and killing the Supreme Leader of Iran, Ali Khamenei, I watched intently as political commentators on American TV shared their opinions on whether the attack was necessary. Republicans insisted that regime change in Iran was critical, not just for America’s security but the entire world’s. Democrats were concerned that history was repeating itself and America was once again embroiling itself in a costly, fruitless war, similar to those in Iraq and Afghanistan. But both sides were certain about one thing: the Iranian leaders were the “bad guys” and nobody should regret their demise. You may be wondering how the “bad guys” around the world are identified. Well, it is a very difficult process and involves countless hours of discussion and debate among members of the UNCIBG (United Nations Commission for the Identification of Bad Guys). The 24-member UNCIBG meets biannually in New York City to consider nominations for bad guy status. One country can nominate another.
A few years ago, for example, Pakistan nominated India, and India in turn nominated Pakistan. (The bad guy designation technically belongs to a country’s ruling government, but switching governments does not automatically revoke bad guy status.) You may be relieved to know that India did not get enough votes to qualify for bad guy status. This means that America and Israel will not be dropping bombs on India anytime soon. Dozens of countries are ahead of India in the potential bomb target list. Pakistan also fell short in the vote count. Many Indians were stunned that Pakistan somehow escaped bad guy status. Some accused Pakistan of vote-rigging. Others vowed to keep a close eye on their neighbour for any BGAs (bad guy acts).
However, Suresh Mehta admitted that it was an uphill battle, getting bad guy status for Pakistan. “To achieve bad guy status, you have to be a really bad guy,” said Mehta, president of the Indian Society of Good Guys. “You can’t just perform BGAs on weekends. You have to perform BGAs on weekdays too. You have to be like North Korea: committed and dedicated to bad guy status.” UNCIBG has conferred bad-guy status on only 24 countries around the world. That may seem like a lot, but it’s only 12%. Notable countries that have not earned bad guy status despite many BGAs include Russia, China and the US. “It’s a good thing the US is not a bad guy,” Mehta said. “Otherwise it would have to bomb itself.” He noted that the US had committed a number of BGAs under the Trump administration, including dropping bombs on suspected drug smugglers without granting them due process and shooting citizens protesting immigration policies. “It helps that the US is a democracy,” Mehta said. “Being a democracy and having freedom of speech protects it from bad guy status, despite Trump’s best efforts.” He added that China had a long list of BGAs, but not quite as long as Russia’s. Russia has a Guinness World Record.
So why haven’t these countries attained bad guy status? “The bottom line is that they are very powerful,” Mehta said. “They exert immense influence on the members of the UNCIBG. China can say, ‘If you vote for us as bad guys, you’d better start buying your computers from Bangladesh.’ And Russia can say, ‘If you vote for us as bad guys, you’d better protect your borders from invasion and annexation.’” It’s possible, apparently, to threaten your way out of bad guy status.