SHABIHA NUR KHATOON, OP
Marriages these days are floundering on the rocks of suspicion, jealousy and
mistrust and divorce seems to be the only panacea for all wrecked relationships. That the divorce rate is spiralling by the day is an alarming trend, say sociologists, and the only way to save the sacred union is to nurture greater mutual understanding and empathy
Marriages are made in heaven but defiled on earth. Britannica Encyclopaedia defines marriage as “a physical, legal and moral union between man and woman in the complete community of life for the establishment of a family.”
In today’s so-called modern world, couples soon become disenchanted with their relationships leading to divorce. More and more young couples are willing to end their non-functional marriages, and the trend is particularly marked in the major Indian cities.
The word ‘divorce’ is derived from the Latin word ‘divertive’, which again is derived from ‘dis’ which means apart and vertere which means to turn. Divorce is the dissolution of the tie of marriage.
According to the Hindu Marriage Act, 1955 (amended up to 1976), any marriage solemnised, whether before or after the commencement of this Act, may, on a petition presented by either the husband or the wife, be dissolved by a decree of divorce on the grounds mentioned therein. The concept of divorce may be understood as different form such terms as separation, desertion and annulment.
Lotakbindu Pattanaik, counsellor at District Family Court who handles at least eight to nine cases a day, says many couples do not even try to reach reconciliation and are in a hurry to end their marriages. There is very little that can be done to save a marriage when it comes to counsellors, he says.
“Many young couples come to us with a weird attitude. Earlier, couples would come to us to fix their marriage but today the cases are a bit different. Nowadays, couples coming to us seem to have made up their mind that divorce is the right decision. While some couples are reconciled after counselling, others choose to take the extreme step,” says Lotakbindu.
The counsellor says once he came across a case where a girl was forced to file divorce against her husband by her parents. “While counselling we give all our efforts in settling disagreements between couples. First, we listen to the couples, then their family members, and also their advocates. After that we go for a one to one interaction just in case there is some miscommunication which can be avoided,” the counsellor explains.
Bhubaneswar-based advocate Amrita Beura says, “The number of divorce cases have surely gone up and today the phenomenon is quite visible. The growing rate of divorce is an indication that the stigma associated with it is on the wane.”
She adds that with increasing literacy and fast changing lifestyles, marriages, especially failed ones, are no longer deemed sacrosanct. Increase in literacy has led to ego clashes between couples. According to Beura, the society is changing from a male-dominated one to one where both genders enjoy equal status, especially in the urban areas. With more women opting for employment and getting equal salaries in comparison with their spouses, the ego quotient also rises, leading to disputes.
Beura states that the collapse of the joint family structure and emergence of a nuclear family, where only couples live with their kids, has also led to an increase in separation cases.
Rise in the divorce rate also results in the breakdown of traditional values, says Navanita Rath, professor of sociology at Utkal University. “Being self-sufficient like their western counterparts also means Indian women no longer want to adjust.”
Rath says that feminists would generally see the decline of the institution of marriage as a good thing, because traditional marriage is believed to be a patriarchal institution. Liberal feminists talk about equal opportunities, while radical feminists talk about more liberty to women, and this sense of absolute freedom is also one of the major factors in the rise in divorce cases.
Wrecked relationships
Experts cite a number of factors responsible for the destruction of marital concord like impulsive weddings, the waning influence of the joint family system, and the growing independence of women. But, overall, a host of factors contribute to the phenomenon; the rising rate of divorce can be linked with the following causes:
Unmatched lifestyle
Even couples who have love marriages are normally in for a shock when they start living together. The person, whose external appearance seemed nice and attractive to you, may look completely different when you start living with him or her. Most times, your lifestyle at home may not match with the others and the most important factor that tops the list is personal hygiene. The rising trend of divorce cases can be largely attributed to this cause.
Differing expectations
Men can have different expectations from a wife than what they have from a girlfriend. There is always something different about being married from the formative years of dating. There are rules laid down by society that defines an ideal and dutiful wife and men most times are seized with such preconceived notions. Similarly, women can also have certain expectations from a responsible husband and can be unhappy to witness anything otherwise. This is a vital reason for the rising number of divorce cases.
Lack of patience
Today’s men and women have a great sense of mobility, in the sense that people always have a great number of options ahead of them. If their emotional or sexual needs are not fulfilled by their spouses, then they stray to look for someone more suitable. It is as simple as this. The rising trend in divorce cases clearly points to the lack of patience and the growing need for personal fulfilment. It is the pursuit of happiness that is pushing people to walk out of marriages and look towards better avenues.
Sense of individuality
Individuals are more and more self-dependent and used to living life on their own terms. It is found that a man and woman are both working and self-sufficient; the woman does not require a man to feed and clothe her. Therefore, the man or the woman is obviously uninterested in compromising. There is a strong sense of individuality among people and this is why they tend to move on so quickly. If the other person is not co-operative then it is perhaps best to walk out of the relationship. This is yet another important reason for rise in divorce cases.
A quick glance at a handful of cases sheds new light on fragile marital relationships and the emotional tussles that lead to divorce. Below are a few cases that Sunday POST records without divulging the personal identities of the couples:
Not made for each other
Neha met Animesh (names changed) through common friends in a party a year back. They were both working in a corporate firm and looking for a long-term relationship. “Right away, we entered into a relationship with marriage as the goal,” she says. In the initial stage, everything was fine but as time passed Neha discovered that Animesh had a jealous streak. “His parents hosted a party, he screamed at me for 45 minutes because I had spent 10 minutes talking to another man.” That incident came as a shocker for Neha as she couldn’t believe what was happening. “He was a completely different person after we got married. He had all these expectations from a ‘wife’ which he never had for his ‘girlfriend’,” she says.
“In the beginning I tried a lot to save our marriage but there was no end to his strange behaviour and that’s when I decided to take the extreme step,” Neha adds.
OPPOSITES DO NOT ATTRACT
They married after a whirlwind romance that lasted six months, only to develop a host of problems within the next year and a half. They now say the situation could have been different if they had allowed for a lengthier courtship. “We were both fresh out of failed relationships and in a hurry to get married. It was a thoughtless decision,” says Sandhya (name changed), software professional. The couple differed in tastes and values. “He would expect me to reach home from work and cook for him while he watched television. I revolted at the idea of me toiling while he put his feet up,” she says.
HIGH HOPES
Anjali, 35, met her partner, Ashutosh (names changed), during a conference and fell in love. “He was very affectionate and caring,” says Anajli. “But he had always dreamed of moving to Mumbai to pursue his dream of becoming a dancer.” When the relationship had consolidated, the couple discussed how she could move to Mumbai with him, find a job, and support him while he looked for his break. They got married in 2014, with the consent of both families. “I noticed a change in his behaviour the day after our wedding,” says Anjali. “He was no longer the loving, caring man I knew. And he wanted to move to the City of Dreams immediately.”
When Anjali said she needed time to quit her job and get a new one, he said she could stay behind. “This was less than a week after the wedding,” she says. Finally, she agreed to go with him for a short while. After relocating there, there was a sea change in his behaviour and Anjali decided to return home. “For two years, I waited for him. I can count on my fingers the number of times we spoke over the phone. We had very few meetings,” she says.
The case is as yet unresolved in court.
