Megha Aryan, OP
Parenting is never easy, but for a single parent who has to fulfil the roles of both mom and dad, it is a tougher call.
Durgarani Mandal’s dreams died young. Like all young women, she had dreamt of a happy marriage and was not prepared for the physical violence by her husband. With the birth of a baby girl, she expected things to change. But they did not. And young Durgarani, who had gone against her parents to marry, felt she had few options left. “Nothing changed. He was still the same man who bothered least about us. The fights doubled so did the beatings. I couldn’t tolerate it anymore,so I decided to part ways from him,” says the 25 year old single mother.
After just two years of marriage, they parted and filed for divorce. Without thinking too much about the consequences, Durgarani packed her bags to live life on her own.
“It was not easy in the beginning. I struggled to find a proper shelter as no one was ready to rent their house to a woman who had separated from her husband. Society treated me as if I was a criminal. It was only after much effort that I managed to find a house to stay with my year old baby.”
Durgarani, now a single mother,says that her baby girl Ziggyasa is the real reason for her living. Four year old Ziggyasa may not understand her mother’s plight but her presence acts as a soothing balm. “Had Ziggyasa not been there to hold my hand, I would have been dead long ago. She is the reason I wake up and go to work, so that I can fulfill her little demands. Though I am not yet financially well settled, I believe I will make it in a few years with my efforts.”
The life of a single parent is difficult and challenging; many give up while some like Durgarani keep fighting against the odds. “From taking care of my daughter, taking her to school, and cooking food for her to finding work for myself, I have been managing single-handedly.
I can see the difference in myself. I used to be more confident and strong. But the continuous struggle to manage everything on my own has made me short-tempered and easily irritable.”
“I had hoped that my dear ones would support me in my difficult times, I wished for some useful advice from them. But I received no support. Instead, they ignored me and avoided my calls.”
Durgarani talks about the challenges faced by a single mother. As a single parent, she says,you have to play the roles of father and mother and fulfill the responsibilities of both. “You need to take all the decisions yourself, you need to ensure that all the requirements of the family are met, you have to meet your career responsibilities and, above all, deal with your emotional overload, and the emotional needs of the baby,” she adds.
“It’s not easy to bring up a child without a father but I don’t think it’s impossible. I have always taken difficult decisions in life, so I will deal with this situation aswell.”
The young mother learnt knitting and tailoring and did a fashion designing course during her pregnancy. She started a boutique with the money she had saved. The boutique has a home delivery facility for apparel products, and Durgarani takes the responsibility of delivering these products at the customer’s doorstep.
According to some estimates, one-third of the children lose one of their parents during their childhood. The reasons could be disease, accident, conflict or maternal mortality.
Delhi-based Suresh Malvia, 35,has been living without a partner since the death of his wife. He decided not to marry again because he was unsure whether his partner would care for his child like her own. For a few years, he tried to find a perfect match for himself, but every time his doubts got the better of him. When his wife died, their child was only seven years old. “It was a sudden death. She was attending a marriage in her village, and from there I got the news that she is no more. All I know is that she died of a poisonous snake bite.”
“Anshu, my son, was close to his mother who died eight years ago; he is now left with only a memory of his mother. Bringing him up is the toughest thing I have ever faced. He would cry for everything, he would act stubborn and would always ask for food. I didn’t know how to handle him. I had never cooked earlier. It seemed an impossible task, and everyday I cursed God for taking my wife away from me. Maybe women are born with patience and selfless love.”
As a father, Suresh was not ready to accept the responsibility of his child. He approached relatives, friends and his sister to ask if they could help him in taking care of his child.
Relatives were sympathetic, and neighbours helped by sending food for them, but soon Suresh realised that he needs to do things by himself, and thus he began with household chores. He realised that he will have to care for Anshu on his own.
Parenting is never easy and single parenting tougher as it entails added responsibilities. Sometimes it is important to have a proper schedule to make the task easier. Yet, a single parent has to face new challenges every day. Sudha, 40, who lost her husband in an accident ten years ago, struggled to raise her only daughter. She says: “Giving birth and raising a child is always a challenge. Parenthood is a matter of joy and responsibility for people all over the world. But when you have your spouse at your side you feel so much more confident as you are assured of emotional support. Single parenthood is a huge challenge in itself; then you also have to deal with the fact of the loss of a loved one. You need to take on the responsibilities of rearing the child and handling life as a whole on your own. The challenges get doubled.”
The challenges faced by single parents are many. Here are some of them:
Multiple responsibilities: Single parents have to fulfill the duties of both mother and father. They often have to juggle many responsibilities, which makes life tougher. Time becomes a precious commodity as there are so many things to do. Even after putting a hundred per cent in managing both personal and professional lives, there is a sense of guilt for not being there for your child.
No social or financial support: Single parents often have to brave financial difficulties. They have to manage their finances well and, at the same time, take care of their child’s emotional and social needs. Sometimes, there is no social or financial support available.
Marriage proposals: Single parents often get many marriage proposals that leave them in a dilemma: should they accept a particular proposal or not? Having gone through traumatic experiences, they may be wary about taking on a new life partner. They may not be sure if the person who wants to marry them will take care of their child or not.
Social pressures: The society always keeps putting pressure on a single parent to get married. The remarriage proposal may or may not work. But as a single parent, one gets unsolicited advice anyway.
Less time for kids: Single parents may struggle to find quality time to spend with their child and they may end up feeling guilty about this. Besides, single parents also worry a lot about their children: Will their child be able to face the challenges of the real world? Will he/she grow up to be a confident individual?
Dealing with unwanted advances: Single mothers often have to face unwanted advances from men. The society treats a single mother differently from someone who has a husband. Some may show kindness or pretend that they care but they may have ulterior motives.
