Megha Aryan, OP
Youngsters these days may have scores of friends in the virtual world but they miss out on meaningful real-life relationships.
Have you wondered why most adolescents prefer to shut themselves up in rooms and avoid being a part of social gatherings? Counsellors and psychiatrists say that this is because they do not want to listen to comments and questions on their behaviour, studies or interests from people who barely know them. Most young people dislike being judged and compared to their peers.
How do we describe a feeling of isolation that seems to grip the mind even in the presence of family and friends? Psychiatrists believe that today’s young generation is not ‘alone,’ but lonely. Young people have scores of friends online but hardly any with whom they can speak their heart out; their family which seems to be picture perfect from their social media posts may have perturbing stories to reveal; the ideals they learn about from the Internet seem to be difficult to achieve in real life. As a result, their idealistic world seems illusory. Youngsters in the age group of 13-19 often become easily confused and find life difficult to handle.
Speaking to Orissa POST, a psychologist at Apollo hospital, Sushmita Mishra explains, “All of us at some point in our lives do feel lonely, but if the feeling sticks with us for long, then the person tries to fin
d a better world to live in. And their search for a better world paves the way to self-harm, addiction or depression. Adolescents are more likely to experience loneliness because they are in the initial phase of trying to understand the world as it is.”
“Today’s youngsters in their late teens and early 20s are now three times more alone and isolated than the young people of a few years back. They find more difficulty in making friends in real life, as their social skills are rusted by the continuous use of social media and the large amount of time spent in the virtual world. Hence, the Web plays a major role in moulding the lives and behaviour of teenagers,” she adds.
Delhi-based engineering student Ajit Alankar, 20, says: “I had never thought I would fail to get through in a semester exam. I had always been a good student in school but I failed in four subjects this year. I don’t know who to blame for this. I was self-destructive and aimless for more than a month. I realised that the feeling of ‘attachment’ and ‘love’ are the rarest emotions, and I have never experienced them. I stopped talking to my friends and family because every time they harped on the same topic and that made me unhappy. My close friends thought I was being selfish by not sharing my feelings with them. But only I know how difficult that phase was for me. I needed support and encouragement not lectures and blame. I have many friends, but I realised at that time that nobody really understands me.”
Arts student Akansha Ranjan talks about her new college where she does not feel at home yet. She says: “We all look forward to entering college for the first time. It was the same for me. My college is awesome, but there are some rude and unkind people that I have run into. Coming out of the comfort zone where everyone loved me, this was difficult to deal with. I realised that there are insincere people too, who can be mean sometimes. I found myself often wondering why I had come to this college when life was so happening at home.”
Akansha further complains about some of her classmates. “Some of my classmates treat me as if I’m Einstein, a nerd who poses a tough competition. They don’t share any notes, or allow me to join their discussions. There are days when I cried and wished my parents were here.
I have always lived with a really cool bunch of people around me, admiring me, now no one wants to be a friend with a nerd.”
Loneliness can be of various types. One can feel lonely when one moves to a new city and unfamiliar surroundings, or when one starts a new job, or joins a new school. Sometimes people with low self-esteem feel lonely because they feel they are not as good as others and try to keep to themselves. Others may feel lonely because they do not have a romantic relationship and lack a partner in their life. Or maybe they do have a partner, but don’t feel a deep connection to that person. Sometimes, a person may doubt if his friends are truly well-intentioned, kind, and helpful. An important element of friendship is the ability to share and trust, so if that is missing, one can feel lonely.
Gunjan Kumar, 22, says: “Since childhood, people around me have showered love on me, but as time passed, they seemed to detach themselves from me. Does growing up mean losing the persons we love? At one point I realised I was scared I would be left all alone. So I tried to find a partner, like many of my friends, on social media. But I didn’t have much success.”
“Now I am addicted to the virtual world which atleast keeps me engaged and helps me to escape reality. Because the more I see couples hanging out in parks and watching movies together the more I feel alone. What I need is a friend to hangout with,” he says.
Experts say young people can often have the wrong notions about the fun they think their online contacts are having. They can be vulnerable to online abuse and maltreatment. Teens may not realise that online friends cannot be a substitute for real-life friends. Over the past decade, Facebook, Twitter and other networks have come to dominate the spare time activities of teenagers. There is powerful evidence of rising levels of isolation among the young.
“Teenagers are becoming increasingly lonely because of their reliance on the Internet. The relationship skills we build as young people are crucial to how we form our relationships later in life. But the way those early relationships are conducted has changed immeasurably in the last ten years, leaving a gulf between this generation and the previous ones,” says psychiatrist Jay Prakash.
“Social media is a great way to keep in touch with friends but it should not be used as a replacement for face-to-face contact. In the counselling room, young people often tell me of the friends they have made on social media, but equally they can be devastated by the betrayals that can occur such as when an unwanted image is shared. They can feel left out when they watch friends having fun and posting selfies in which they do not figure. The temptation to compare your own life to the perfectly curated life that friends portray online is huge. I advise young people to take a break from their devices for an afternoon, meet up with their friends face-to-face, and see how it compares to interacting on social media. Our friendships are built largely on shared experiences and it is important that at least some of these take place away from the screen,” says Jay Prakash.
Parents have a role to play in ensuring that their children do not spend all their time surfing the Net. As Sushmita Mishra says, “Parents need to change the way they deal with their children. ‘Use the phone and be quiet’ type things won’t work in their favour but will only make children more addicted to electronic devices. And then parents will be equally to blame for their poor academic results and introvert nature.”
Psychiatrists’ tips to ward of loneliness:
Build self-esteem
The underlying cause of habitual loneliness is often lack of self-esteem. Start a journal, and at the end of each day, note the achievements you feel proudest of. After a month, if you go back and review the pages, you will be amazed by your accomplishments.
Change body language
If you feel invisible, small or insignificant around others, chances are that your body language reinforces this. Think about it: Which person are you more likely to be drawn to: someone who stands up straight and tall, speaks clearly, and looks others squarely in the face, or someone who hunches over, mumbles, and avoids making eye contact? Now’s the time to adjust the way you stand, speak and move around other people. Practice by yourself first – as many times as you need to – until you start to feel more comfortable with your new posture of confidence.
Engage in deeper conversations
Meaningful relationships and interactions are a wonderful way to deal with loneliness. This is not always easy to do but it is a skill worth learning. Start with showing real interest in what others are saying or ask questions like, “How did that feel?” or “What do you think about this topic?”
Know yourself better
Decide on who you are and what kind of person you want to be. Without knowledge of who you are, there is nothing to connect with. It is difficult to feel alone when you have a purpose. Find meaning in your life, figure out your interests and work to fulfill them.
Talk to a professional
Counselling is advisable if you feel as if you are a witness to yourself, or if there is a void within that leaves you feeling unfulfilled and unsatisfied. A good counsellor can help you find a purpose and move beyond challenges.
