IN JEST THIS Melvin Durai
The noodles sale at our local store was so irresistible, we rented a truck to haul them home
==
TEXT
The other day, we had some guests over for dinner when my wife, Malathi, accidentally dropped the cover of a glass butter dish on top of a drinking glass. Both of them shattered, sending glass fragments onto the table. We tried to clean up the mess as carefully as possible, disposing of some food in which glass pieceshad likely landed, but it was still possible that tiny specks of glass had entered the food we were eating.
What would happen to us? Probably nothing, Malathi said, and I was pleased to hear this. I was also pleased that I had a good excuse the next time she says I look a little glassy-eyed. “No, dear,” I’d say. “It has nothing to do with what I’ve been drinking.”
Similar accidents happen in food production now and then: Our food is contaminated with something on such a small scale that the manufacturer doesn’t even bother revealing it.
Just imagine buying a packet of noodles and seeing a sticker on it that says: “Dear consumer, we would like to inform you that during the production of these noodles, a worker was reading the Beijing Times and accidentally dropped it into the noodle machine. This is the reason why you might find that the noodles taste a little bit like paper. Don’t worry: paper is very safe and will give you your daily recommended intake of fiber. It will make you more regular. Your bowels will thank you. We should also mention that the worker was using a pencil to complete a crossword puzzle in the newspaper and dropped the pencil in the noodle machine too. The wood in the pencil will also give you some fiber, but you will also get a little lead. Please be assured that this is the harmless kind of lead. Children are always biting their pencils and you’ll be glad to know that nothing happens to most of them. We hope you’ll be pleased that we’ve revealed these details to you, and you’ll continue to be loyal to our brand, Almost Safe Foods. Please enjoy our noodles.”
Some food contaminants are more harmful than others, of course. That’s why many people are concerned about the charges against Maggi noodles, not just in India, but in Kenya, Uganda and other countries. Food authorities say the noodles have high levels of lead, and Nestle India is defending its noodles against the charges, insisting that they’re safe. Meanwhile, many of us are trying to remember how many thousands of packets of noodles we’ve consumed just this year.
Maggi noodles may have been pulled from supermarket shelves in some countries, but the shelves in our homes are still packed with them. The noodles sale at our local store was so irresistible, we rented a truck to haul them home. We bought not just Maggi noodles, but also other brands: Ramen, Knorr, and FAST (Factory Adulterated for Safety and Taste).
We don’t know what’s been added to the noodles, but we know that it’s tasty.
Husband: “What’s for dinner, honey?”
Wife: “Noodles.”
Husband: “Noodles again? Didn’t we have noodles yesterday?”
Wife: “Yesterday we had chicken-flavored noodles; today we’re going to have MSG-flavored noodles.”
Husband: “MSG? What does that stand for?”
Wife: “Monosodium glutamate. You can find it in many food products.”
Husband: “Is it good for us?”
Wife: “Of course not.”
Husband: “Then why are we eating it?”
Wife: “Because it’s probably safer than other things in the noodles packet.”
Husband: “What other things?”
Wife: “Do you really what to know?”
Husband: “No, I guess not. Let’s just enjoy our dinner.”
